Mortified, Petrified and Vilified

I sit here this morning with so many emotions – fear, angry, shame and I can’t help the tears from running down my face.

I work hard.  I may not be perfect but I work harder than the average person, I think.  I watch what I eat every single day, I work out 4-5 times a week, if not more, I eat good, quality, healthy food.  And yet, despite all that hard work that I’ve been doing every week of my life for the past 10 years, here I sit, a whopping 7 pounds heavier than when I start this year.

I haven’t been this heavy in . . .I honestly can’t remember the last time.  Before I started this journey, back in 2005?  I had ballooned up to a weight I was not happy with and in hindsight, sure, it was a LOT heavier than this.  I was wearing size 10 clothes at the time and on my way to a size 12.  Is there anything wrong with that size?  NO but it was not the size I felt comfortable at, felt healthy at, felt I could maintain long term and be able to do all I wanted to do.  I was 31 at the time and I sat down with my husband and he created a plan for me that changed my life.  It took about year, from start to finish but since then, for the most part, I have enjoyed an active, comfortable life.

Something in me has changed.  I feel like an alien has invaded my body and no matter what I do, there is no stopping it.  I have killed myself for months now, trying to adjust different things in my diet, my workouts to stop this from happening and no matter what I do, it just keeps getting worse.  6 of these 7 pounds has come on, just since August but WHY?  Every morning, after a particular good workout or eating day, I get on that scale, looking down at the number, just praying for ONCE, it starts to go down and every day, it stays the same or just keep creeping higher.  Today was the highest number yet, a whole pound up this week, again and I just sat down and sobbed.

My clothes are starting to not fit – oh!  All of the beautiful, gorgeous clothes I have bought over this past year.  I go into my closet now and smile, knowing I don’t have the same 3 outfits I need to wear over and over again, NO!  I have a dozen pretty outfits to choose from now and it was so much fun trying them all on for you, for my friends and putting them all together.  I have never done that before and it felt great.

Now, I am desperately close to losing all of them.  I have a company Christmas party tonight and dresses I’ve bought over the past year or two I had hoped to wear and in the back of my mind, I know they probably won’t fit me now.  I just want to go into a room, turn out all the lights, crawl into a ball and never come out.

The question that keeps screaming in the back of my mind is WHY?  Why is this happening and why is this happening now?  Yes, I changed my diet to Eat to Perform and let me tell you that is going out the window this minute.  I still think it’s a good idea to strive for higher protein and lower carbs but 2 months of doing that, according to their plan and look what’s happened to me??  Obviously, my body is not responding and I need to stop jamming protein and calories into it, waiting for it to achieve some magical balance that is going to make me, all of a sudden, shred tons of body fat.

But then what do I do?  I am SO sick of tracking my calories, especially when I see them climbing for the day and know I probably shouldn’t have more but my poor stomach is growling, growling, GROWLING so loud, I can barely hear myself think.  I choose healthy things – an apple, a piece of cheese but sometimes, like yesterday, I choose crackers but only a whopping 130 calories worth of crackers.  Carbs can’t kill you, right?

I have becoming scared of food because I don’t understand, for the life of me, what it is doing to my body.  I don’t know what to eat anymore, I don’t know how much of it to eat, I don’t know what workouts to do when I used to be so sure of myself.  I loved the compliments of, oh wow, you look so great and I was proud, not because they said it but because I knew how hard I had worked to achieve it.  Now, despite all the work, it feels like I’m doing nothing at all.

You may be reading this thinking I’m incredibly narcissistic to go on and on about my appearance and my weight but as women, we are programmed to care, a lot about it.  As one of my male Facebook friends pointed out, when the recent Annie Leibovitz picture of Amy Schumer came out – how skinny a women is doesn’t make her sexy, but her confidence, at any size, does and right now, my confidence is utterly and completely shattered.   My workouts are getting tougher because I am heavier – last night, on the treadmill, I couldn’t even get myself to do the short sprints I had been testing out because my legs were SO sore from boot camp class the night before and I felt SO incredibly heavy. I feel like I am trying to carry around someone I don’t know.  My body isn’t used to it. . .and I don’t want it to get used to it.

So, what’s the answer?  Do I go to the doctor and get checked out?  I didn’t have any blood work done this year, like I normally would because my company did away with their annual in house screening.  Do I get back on the herbs I started taking in October last year?  I have already contacted my herbalist and she is rustling something up for me.  Last year, it helped me shed about 4 pounds AND feel better but what does this mean?  If they work again, does that mean I have to take them forever?  Do I change how I’m eating and drop my calories more?  Cut out alcohol during one of the most festive times of the year?

I don’t feel like eating, I don’t feel like drinking because I feel like every bite, every sip is taking me that much closer to a place I don’t want to be.  Why I am I sharing my deepest, darkest, scariest thoughts right now?  Because if I feel this way, there MUST be others out there having those same fears, those same resentments, those same struggles.  Struggles of a Healthy Foodie have never felt more so than now.  At least not for a very long time.

I don’t know what the answer is except to keep trying to live my life the best way I know how.  But I know the way my brain works and it will be impossible not to obsess about this under something changes.  I just wish I knew what.

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