This post is tough to write because I don’t want to sound like a whiner and complainer. I am a 43 year old woman who is in good health, a few bucks in my pocket, great friends, an even better husband and many, many fun adventures under my belt. Yet, I find myself constantly unhappy and it’s all because of this picture above.
It must be said, I am also very short. I think when you live your life as a short person, usually the shortest in the room you feel like you will stay young forever. People always mistake you for much younger than you actually are, go on and on about how “cute” you are and of course, crack the occasional short joke (like I’ve never heard THAT one before!). But, well into my 40s now, I feel those comments and feelings are becoming fewer and farther between. I feel more seasoned, a veteran of life, just half way through, God willing.
But, one thing that also comes from being short is no matter what anyone says, it is much tougher staying small. It always has been from the time I hit puberty until today. I went back and looked over my blog entries from 2012, 2013, 2014 and I was lucky enough at that age, to be enjoying the best version of myself I ever thought possible. I was fit, I was thin, I loved the way I looked, I was comfortable in my own skin. I was very proud to have reached that point because I worked hard to get it – I worked out regularly, watched what I ate very carefully and I truly didn’t feel like I took it for granted. However, when I read through those posts, I do realize I was pretty tough on myself even then. What exactly did I expect from myself? Perfection?
Now, at 43, I am struggling more than ever. Over the past year, I have watched my weight steadily increase, despite my best efforts back up to the weight I was when I was married 2o years ago. I know, how many out there would KILL to be the same weight they were 20 years ago? Well, remember when I said 2012 – 2014 were my best years? They really were. I was a chubbier girl in high school and college, not fat by any means but definitely heavier than I eventually become at 40. So, my weight at 23 was definitely low for me at the time but far more than just 2 short years ago.
So, now I have over 5 new pounds to contend with and I just don’t know what to do with them. Do I work out more – even though I average 5 days a week already and actually get in 6 on a good week? Do I change my workouts? Join a gym? Take a new challenging class? Do I cut back my food even more – even though now, I feel my stomach grow more than it’s full? Is it really worth all that? Isn’t this MUCH more than the average person does?
I don’t want to give up but I do want to be happy and right now, I am struggling with weighing the happiness of socializing dinners with friends, just one more drink or bite of dessert against desperately trying to lose 5 pounds. Once I achieve that weight loss, if I did, how long would I be able to realistically hold on to it? I feel like no matter what I do, it would be a constant struggle that I honestly am just sick to death of thinking about every single day, every single minute, day in and day out.
I told myself – forget about the number, just be HEALTHY. I think I could, for the most part but tell that to my gorgeous closet full of clothes I’ve acquired over the past 2 or 3 years and the fact I can’t comfortably get into over half of them. What do I do? Just let them hang there and go out and buy all new ones? That would be hundreds and HUNDREDS of dollars. But I’m not sure how much longer I can go on, walking in there every day and staring at them, trying to quickly decide which pair of pants can be me through the day without making me feel like a overstuffed buffalo.
Do I let go of that dream? Do I step back, accept it and just slowly acquire new, more comfortable fitting clothes as I can afford it and keep living my life? Or do I recommit to a drastic change in one last effort to be the person I used to be? I don’t recognize this new body and thank God, I have an amazing husband who just last night, looked me up and down and with a completely straight face said – I actually love your new body! It’s more curvy, womanly, sexy and not so thin. He sees me that way, so why it is so tough to see MYSELF that way too?